Osama Bin Laden never lived in a cave

You heard it here first.

In case there was any doubt, the man never, ever lived in a cave. Osama Bin Laden died the way he lived: in incredible luxury. In a three-story mansion, complete with western cola, Nestle chocolate bars, and homegrown marijuana. And the pornography, lots and lots of pornography.

It's a shame that President Obama dismisses releasing many of the facts related to the recent raid as "spiking the political football." Hey, Barry Sanders never spiked a football, but he knew when had crossed into the Endzone. Right now, President Barry needs to communicate to the millions of Muslims openly sympathize with the terrorist leader, because their sympathy is based entirely on ignorance and misconception.

The misconception is that Osama Bin Laden was some sort of freedom fighter, a man born into wealth who rejected his life of privilege to "go underground" and "fight oppression." The problem with this theory is that Bin Laden's involvement with the Mujahideen has always been subject to debate, with no firsthand evidence that he ever actually fought the Soviet army in the 1980s. The fact that he was born rich and spent the last several years of his life living in luxury is indicative that he never learned to live without.

In time, the truth will come out. The videos of him walking through the mountainous regions of Afghanistan and Pakistan will be revealed to be nothing more than cleverly staged photo-ops. Each video of Osama and his "death to America tirades" probably started as follows: "All right everybody, hop in the van. I look great in just five minutes--with just for men! We'll drive to these mountains over here, make sure the camera doesn't face the road. I want to do all this in one take. Afterwords, we'll get stoned and eat chocolate!"

The man may no longer be alive, now the myth must die. People all over the world need to know that this alleged terrorist mastermind was nothing more than a psychotic millionaire. People in the Muslim world need to know that he didn't care about them, he merely saw them as pawns in his own web of personal delusion.

So by all means, Mr. President, tell the truth. Granted, the truth must dazzle gradually, but it is better to inform rather than let ignorance and misconception fester. That too, can make the whole world blind.